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Saturday
May262012

And Away He Goes

 

Angel has left for his grand adventure. b and I got up at 3:30 this morning to drive him and his bike to the airport. He'll be in Seattle for several days attending orientation and then they will hit the road on June 1. We can follow him through social media and there are mail drops where we can send him goodies (mostly Cliff Bars I am imagining) on prearranged dates. He'll be averaging 80 miles a day and sleeping on floors of HS gyms and local community centers all summer long.

We are very proud.

Spending time with him these last three weeks has been a total joy. It is like I raised the ultimate playmate for myself. We hiked together and biked together. I even got him and b to take a yoga class with me. Angel turned us on to Game of Thrones and I would stop working in the middle of the day to watch an episode with him. I cooked and baked his favorites and tripped over his discarded flip flops just like the olden days. We put on a fundraising event at a local restaurant. b invited a ton of his friends from work and I invited a ton of mine. It turned into a fabulous send-off party for Angel and raised some additional money as well. 

But mostly we talked.  Angel and I can talk about anything and, in the long-standing tradition of the Nichols clan, can analyze a subject to death. We talked about the trip, his life after the trip, my work, writing, family, and fantasy.

Needless to say it has been difficult for me to get any real work done. I've joined an online writing group that is helping to keep me on track but the serious work needs to start now. It amazes me that, even after all these years, active motherhood means (to me) a constant tension between being with my son and being with my work. I have never managed to feel satisfied doing both at the same time.

Friday
May182012

RBOC: A Semester Ends Edition

 

  • Graduation should be the end of the semester, but it isn't. Instead there are lingering deadlines, final committee meetings, and the dreaded faculty retreat. This year our end-of-the-year retreat morphed into 2 days: one before graduation and one after. 
  • The semester is over; the campus is empty of students (until summer session 1 starts next week), but I still have one more committee meeting scheduled for next week.
  • Yesterday a group of colleagues and students went to my favorite yoga studio and took a "slow flow" class to celebrate the end of the semester. Then we went out to my favorite wine bar. Celebrating is important.
  • Tomorrow I'm going to a "get-together" with my favoritest doctoral students. One of them bought a house and had a baby last year and I have seen neither to date. There may even be a little consignment shopping happening.
  • I'll be teaching an online course in summer session 2 this year. It is the same online course I'll be teaching in the fall (and the same course I've taught face-to-face for 4 years), so I have some opportunities to try out a few things. I'm actually rather excited to try an online course. There will be a lot of challenges and I can't make it as interactive as I would normally want (each semester will have over 50 students) but I think it can still be a lot of fun.
  • I'm getting summer pay to do some administrative tasks this summer. These are items that bubbled to the surface during the faculty retreat. If we wait until the fall and assign them to committee, they will never get completed in a year.
  • It has taken me 6 years to really "get" the pace of academia. I'm not saying I like it, I'm just finally understanding it.
  • Angel has been home for about two weeks now. It has been a lot of fun. It's like having a live-in playmate. We've gone biking together and swimming together. He and b went to a yoga class with me. We get into interesting conversations on philosophy and ethics in the middle of the day. I've also been cooking and baking up a storm. When there is no cooking going on, the three of us are in a bar or restaurant.
  • Feeding an housing a 22 year old man is a lot more expensive than I remembered. Also my work schedule is completely decimated. Luckily he's going on his bike trip next week or I'd never get anything done this summer. 
  • I'm moving offices again this summer. This will be the 5th office in 6 years. I'll be back in the same building with my colleagues. While that will be nice (and there is talk of daily yoga practice at lunch), it is on the side of campus that I dislike, with my biggest problem being the distance from the coffeeshops. 

 

Saturday
May122012

On Raising A Zebra

I remember getting frustrated because he just didn't seem to want to try. My family always took a summer vacation together on the beach. Angel had just finished 2nd grade and we were supposed to practice his reading every night. He was not only completely uninterested but any gains he had made in school that year seemed to be slipping away. Angel and I have rarely clashed but I found my temper rising everytime we sat down together to read. Eventually I had to stop.

I remember talking with his third grade teacher, who assured me boys took a little longer. I had to press my instance that Angel was struggling and it was NOT normal. Teachers have always loved Angel because he is sweet, earnest, and hardworking. A boy who struggles and isn't a behavior problem can get overlooked. Something I said finally clicked for his teacher and the testing process began

 

I remember him coming home tense and pale only to breakdown when we sat together on the couch. He couldn't read but his cousin and nephew (both younger) could. He felt isolated and ashamed and less than. I held him and we made a deal: he wouldn't give up on school, I wouldn't give up on him, and eventually he would read.

I remember tutoring him all through 4th grade while NOT writing my dissertation. Eventually I hired a tutor, a weasly little man I never liked, who specialized in zebra learning. Angel made progress but his 4th grade teacher was not convinced. I spent the second half of the school year arguing, with all the data I could find, not to have him held back a year.

 

I remember applying to middle schools (only in NYC does that pressure start so young) and him being shut out of the decent ones because of his performance on standardized tests. If he had been born with visual and/or performance art abilities there would have been opportunities but his talents lie elsewhere. We eventually got him into a new magnet school that seemed like a good match, until he actually started attending. To say the school had low expectations would be a huge understatement. Angel was praised for just showing up. I saw his efforts begin to lag but worse yet he started telling us how he was being bullied.

I remember buying a house we couldn't afford 50 miles north of the city and commuting 2 1/2 hours to work. Angel's new middle school, while more conservative than we were used to, had high expectations and resources. He progressed to high school, where discussions with teachers focused on the possibility of technical college. Many zebras, the books told me, have an affinity for fixing things; for taking things apart and putting them back together, sometimes for the better. Angel had never shown any such inclination. Angel had an affinity for creating elaborate stories in his head that he would embellish and playback for months at a time.

 

I remember getting him to a homework schedule where he would work for 15 minutes, break for 10, and work again for 15. One day the first 15 minutes had passed and he didn't get up. An hour later he was still at work. He had finally figured out how to get one of his stories out of his head and onto paper and was using it for a homework assignment. Angel had discovered writing. I wish I could say his high school years were easy after that, they weren't, but he at least had an outlet and a talent that gave him positive feedback from teachers.

I remember transferring him to a high school here in Greensboro for his final year. The south has a different grading system than the north and his already low grades became even lower once we moved. Low grades and low SAT scores did not bode well for college. We discussed small liberal arts schools that could give him the attention that he needed. We went on 3 tours and he applied to 4 schools. One school was willing to accept additional materials and Angel submitted a short story he had written during a summer writing camp. The Admissions Director called and wanted to understand how that story matched with those grades. Angel explained his strengths and challenges and the Director agreed to go to bat for him with the committee. It worked and that was the only college that accepted him.

 

I remember discussing his decision to defer his enrollment for a year. He made a good argument for why a gap year would help him and I had no money for tuition. It was a no-brainer but I worried he would never actually attend. But the next year he packed up and moved out. At that point I only had tuition for two years, so the plan was to get his grades up and switch to a larger public university. For the first time in his life, Angel found a comfortable home in a school. Much to my chagrin he joined a fraternity. I had heard nothing but horror stories about Greek Life but I am now a convert. I truly believe he would not have made it without his brothers.

A week ago today, my zebra graduated college. 

 

Sunday
Apr292012

On ReNesting

 

When I started this blog Angel was doing his gap year and I was anticipating how difficult the transition to empty nesting would be. I underestimated it completely. Two years after he left for college, he moved out of the dorms and took all of his stuff to the house he rented with some friends. By that point I was over the worst of it and reclaiming his room as an office seemed like a pretty sweet deal. I spent all of my spring break that year "unnesting."

Next weekend he graduates and moves back home.

I didn't do a whole lot of nesting when I was pregnant with Angel. My ex and I lived in a small one-bedroom apartment and we were short on money and time. Twenty-two years later things are a little different. This weekend has been dubbed The Great ReNesting Project.

Luckily we moved houses last year and this one has a 3rd bedroom (with its own bathroom) so we don't have to lose our office. However we have been using that bedroom for storage. [Well Brutus also moved in and used the bathroom as his bathroom for awhile. Let's not dwell on it.] So this weekend has been spent throwing things out, organizing closets, and cleaning a lot of cat pee. 

b is building us a new bed. We've always wanted a king-size (rumor has it that I hog the bed) and I liked the idea of the pallet bed. Tomorrow b will finish the frame and we'll have the mattress delivered. Angel doesn't own any furniture that warrants renting a van, so he'll get our current bed. b built it a few years ago and it has bookcases built-in. Unfortunately the pallet bed does not, so tomorrow I need to weed the bookshelves in the office to make some room. 

It has been interesting to rearrange my house twice now: expanding and contracting for the different phases of adult parenting. We don't know how this phase will play out; he'll probably stay a year but it could be less or it could be more. I think everyone is ambivalent. b and I are excited because we love having him around and really didn't get to see him often when he was in college. However we have also gotten used to a lot of alone time. Angel is looking forward to being with us; to figuring out his future; and to not being in college anymore but he is also anxious about this next step forward. He is trying hard to not see moving home as a step back. I am afraid of getting to comfortable with him here. I think Angel fears the same thing. I don't doubt our ability to merge lives and live comfortably in whatever time we have together but it is another big adjustment.

Tuesday
Apr242012

World Book Night

Yesterday was the 2nd Annual World Book Night. I don't remember how, but I stumbled upon their website last February. It just so happened to be the last week that you could apply to be a "giver." I couldn't really resist the opportunity to give away free books but when I saw that Kindred by Octavia Butler was on the list, I was thrilled. I sent in my application, selected Kindred as my first choice, and waited patiently to be notified. 

It took a while to get everything in order but yesterday I picked up 20 special edition copies of Kindred from my local Barnes & Noble. Unfortunately I had to wait another day before I could actually distribute them. The rules specified that the books could not be distributed before April 23rd but no one said anything about distributing after April 23rd (this is my story and I'm sticking to it).

I waited the extra day because I really wanted to give the books out at my YWCA's Parenting Program and they only meet on Tuesdays. The YWCA runs mentoring programs for teen and young adult mothers. This is also the program that runs the childbirth classes, for which I serve as a doula. I love this program, the participants, and the staff, and I try to do whatever I can for them. 

Since I only had 20 books to give away, I couldn't give them to both groups of women. In discussion with the Y staff, we decided it was a better fit for the young adult mothers. I arrived just as the group was starting but waited around until they had a chance to do their exercise routine in the gym. While waiting, the staff and I talked books. 

Once the moms were ready, I explained how this project came about and gushed on for a bit about Kindred and Octavia Butler. I was in my nerd glory. By the end they were really interested and everyone wanted a book. They want me to come back in June to lead a discussion on it. Some of them said they've never had a favorite book and others that they don't get many chances to read for themselves. We then got into a brief discussion of children's books and reading to children. 

I can't wait to go back in June.

If you haven't read Kindred (or anything by Octavia Butler), you really should. She's a game changer.